The lost art of feeling

An emotional crash course for the modern human

We live in a world that glorifies logic and reason. It’s almost as if the modern world was designed to keep us in our heads. Too distracted to hear anything but the monkey mind. Too numb to feel anything but a sense of lack.

Most of us go through our lives knowing that something is missing from this existence, but we are not sure what it is. So we go on a quest. The mind is leading the charge. But despite looking and looking, we don’t find what we’re seeking.

Filling the void is not a cerebral exercise. The disconnection we are feeling is the product of having lost touch with the most vital part of our human existence: the felt sense. When we learn the language of the heart, a language that few of us have been taught, we reconnect with the intelligence within. An intelligence that holds the wisdom that can lead us to freedom, authenticity, and fulfillment.

Why do we become disconnected from our emotions in the first place? What are the consequences? How can we fix this dilemma? And what awaits us when we do?

Here is the brief emotional crash course we never received (but should have), drawing on everything I have learned about emotions throughout many years of venturing into altered states of consciousness to learn from the ultimate professors of emotional anatomy: medicinal plants that embody the wisdom of nature, aka existence.

Let’s start with the basics. Emotions are energy in motion (from Latin “e-movere”), which means they are energetic and physical (not mental). Unrestricted emotional experiences are short-lasting. A mere 90 seconds on average, according to this Harvard neuroscientist.

When emotional energy is unable to move through us, it gets stuck. The most common agent of emotional suppression is fear. Once upon a time, it did not feel safe to feel, because of (a) what happened when we expressed our feelings, or (b) what happened when our caretakers expressed theirs.

If this happens often enough, we form subconscious associations with emotional experiences: a new belief system is born. The mind’s belief system now interrupts our innate emotional process in an effort to protect us. As a result, emotions are pushed down into a deep well. So far down that we may even forget there’s anything there.

We go on about our lives. As the trapped emotions pile up, we develop apathy, compulsions, anxieties, addictions, depression (the opposite of expression), and physical ailments such as chronic pain and fatigue.

Of course, we have not forgotten. There’s a part that remembers. This part will go to great lengths to protect us from remembering. It will ensure distraction and escape.

To break this pattern, we must do two things: process old, stuck emotions and reprogram the belief systems that prevent us from processing emotions in the present. We must choose to remember and accept that this will bring discomfort in the short run, but the benefits in the long-term — living with an open heart — they are oh so sweet.

Contrary to popular belief, the heart never closes. Instead, trapped emotions form a wall around it that prevents us from experiencing its true, open nature. To liberate our heart and return to its full emotional depth and range, we must first process that which is in the way, brick by brick. This processing happens not in the mind — as most of Western psychotherapy attempts to do (often unsuccessfully) — but in the body.

In this process, there’s a tension between letting go and letting in: while we can let go of stuck emotions by processing the energetic remnants of them (a somatic process commonly triggered by psychedelics — but there are substance free ways¹), we cannot simply let go of the underlying belief systems.

Belief systems are stubborn mental structures that are ingrained in our sense of self. We’ve often spent decades strengthening them. Transforming them is not a sudden breakthrough (even if peak experiences may cause us to believe so), but it is possible.

We transform belief systems by building relationships with the parts that hold them. Relationships in which a more mature, compassionate awareness lovingly guides the wounded and protective parts to the truth that their reality, although once valid, is now outdated. And so we make space for a new one. Over and over again.

Not feeling much felt like a superpower for most of my life. It kept me focused on my career and perpetually unbothered. It helped me choose what I cared about (and what I didn’t). I was in control.

Despite having the emotional intelligence of a twelve-year-old, I had a prestigious, lucrative career and conventional ‘success’. Ayn Rand decorated my book shelves, my intellect was my greatest accomplishment.

Yet, my life felt empty and meaningless. Medicine journeys helped me wake up to the roots of my fractured sense of self: I was connected to my mind but not to my heart.

Emotions are the language of the heart. If we are out of touch with them, we sense that something is missing from our life but we can’t pinpoint what. We lean on the world around us to fill the void within, until we realize it is not an outside job. We then search for answers in our mind (or the minds of others), but don’t find them there either, because we’re looking in the wrong place.

The answers we seek are not found in the mind, but in the body. This is where emotions (and their residues) live. Our bodies hold the unobstructed truths of our existence, and so to unearth them, we must travel into the felt sense. The closer we can get to the level of physical sensation, the closer we get to truth, untainted by the mind’s interpretation and judgements.

Emotions may not always make sense to the mind, but they always communicate the needs of the heart. They carry wisdom that will bring us closer to purpose, alignment, and connection. When we commit to learning the language of our heart, we enter into a contract with our soul. We learn that there are no positive or negative emotions, as for the heart they are all equal. The heart doesn’t discriminate among emotions because they all carry important information as it pertains to our soul.

A heart-led life requires two things: a quiet mind and an open heart.

If we don’t learn to quiet the mind, we will not be able to hear the heart. The mind is nagging and loud, the heart mostly whispers. If we don’t quiet the mind, it will remain all we hear. The mind will lead us towards our ego’s agenda, which is safety and approval, but in the process, we loose our heart’s innermost craving: freedom.

We need silence to hear the whispers of the heart. We need to dial down all that amplifies mental chatter — the perpetual compulsion to intellectualize, the constant stream of information from social media and other technology, the comparison our parasocial relationships perpetuate, the shallow communication that has replaced conversation — and dial up the activities that take us into the heart — silence, meditation, movement, art, and real connection.

In a culture that prizes reason above all else while systemically destroying our mental capacities and disconnecting us from the felt sense, following the heart is an act of rebellion. It may not result in conventional success. It may at times cost us safety, predictability, and approval. But it will lead to your fullest and most human existence.

I’m thinking about creating a 30-day challenge to help us quiet the mind and journey into our hearts. Would you be interested in something like this? If so, let me know below.

Artwork by HHeinige

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 

1. I work with a somatic modality that is focused on processing emotional energy trapped in the unconscious by going into the body. The primary goal is not to understand in the mind but to grow capacity to be with the felt sense. It’s a bottom-up approach grounded in the impact trauma has on our nervous system that blends parts work with somatic processing. If you’re curious to learn more or interested in a session, simply reply to this e-mail.