Navigating life as an empath

Why you feel other people's feelings, and what to do about it

Over ten years ago, I was walking down the streets of Los Angeles with my sister in tow as we saw an old, homeless man break down in the middle of a crossroad.

He struggled to get back up, so I rushed over to check if he was okay. He was fragile and disoriented. His face was covered in dirt. A symphony of smells surrounded him. I wrapped my hands around him to pull him up and get him off the busy street.

I’m not telling you this story to flaunt my goodness. I’m telling you this story because my sister was shaken by the fact that I jumped into the situation without hesitation, and I was shaken by her shakenness. “Wouldn’t everybody do this?”, I wondered.

It’s one of my first conscious memories of glimpsing what I now can articulate as my empath nature and the world that lies behind it: a unique way to perceive the people around you. Through your own body.

I felt that man’s pain in every fiber of my body as he collapsed in the middle of the street. Chills spread up my legs. I felt his shame for being too weak to get back up on his own, whether it was the alcohol or the age.

Not everybody reacts this way, it seems.

Not everybody feels other people’s emotions, it seems.

Today’s article is for those that do.

In one of my first few ceremonies, Ayahuasca taught me that I was an empath, which prompted me to research and investigate the concept.

During my first day at the retreat center in Costa Rica, I’d picked up some guy’s anger who was audibly cursing out his (ex?) partner by the pool. The energy (a term that would’ve meant nothing to me back then) of the situation was too intense, so I left the pool to retreat to my room. A few days later, in my fourth ceremony, a discomfort crept in. It lingered for over an hour, during which I was desperately trying to make sense of it. Only as a person across the room began to audibly purge by yelling out angry nonsense, I found relief. I immediately knew who was purging. It was the guy from the pool. “It wasn’t yours”, the medicine told me. “You’re an empath. You pick up other people’s energy.”

What does it mean to be an empath?

80% of you noted that you’re highly sensitive, and I’d guess that at least half of you who self-identified as sensitives are also empaths.

Being “an empath” is not the same as being an empathetic person. Empaths are on the far end of the sensitivity spectrum. On the other end are narcissists, which is why the empath-narcissist relationship is a match made in heaven hell. Opposites attract.

Anyhow, not every highly sensitive person is an empath, but every empath is highly sensitive. Empaths will check all the boxes of highly sensitive people. A sensitive nervous system, easily overwhelmed, stressed, startled, and drained by crowds, prone to compulsions and addiction.

The unique quality that defines empaths is that empaths physically experience the emotional experiences of those around them in their own body.

As Dr. Judith Orloff, the author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, describes:

In empaths, the brain’s mirror neuron system — a specialized group of cells that are responsible for compassion — is thought to be hyperactive. As a result, empaths can absorb other people’s energies (both positive and negative) into their own bodies. At times it may even be difficult to tell if you are feeling your own emotions or someone else’s.

Here’s the good about being an empath: you feel everything more deeply. More capacity for joy and love. More creativity and intuition.

Here’s the bad about being an empath: you feel everything more deeply.

Let’s do another poll. How many of you consider yourselves empaths?

Lessons from an empath-in-training

On the path from surviving to thriving as an empath, I’d say I’m somewhere right past the middle point. Life has become enjoyable without the crutches of food and alcohol. It’s still quite overwhelming more often than I’d like, though, but I’ve adjusted. I’m in the process of learning to harness the gifts of my empathy and have every intention to uncover the keys to thriving as an empath. (I’ll report back when I do.)

For now, let’s explore how your empath awakening may help you make sense of yourself. We’ll also get into some ways in which you can make your existence less painful and draining, should you feel a need for that.

Here’s what I’ve learned in the past few years about empaths:

1. Empathy as a source of introversion: I’ve always needed a lot of alone time because being around others drains me, although I never understood why. Now I know that it’s mainly due to my nature as an emotional sponge, which leads to overstimulation and energetic overload. In conflicts, I would shut down or isolate in response, not because I felt too little, but because I felt too much.

2. Empathy as a trauma response: Here’s the chicken and egg problem: Are empaths more susceptible to trauma because they feel more deeply? Or, do they become empaths because they grow up in environments where their safety relies on constantly attuning to their caretaker(s), scanning for mood changes and potential dangers? My (unproven) hypothesis is that high sensitivity is genetic, but highly sensitive people who endure trauma become empaths. They learn to take on other people’s energy in households with unclear boundaries, projected emotions, enmeshment, suppression, and a lack of safety or belonging. Prioritizing other people’s needs becomes a survival skill. Unfortunately, it also means they learn to disconnect from their own needs and energy in the process.

3. Empathy and addiction: As empaths grow up and become adults, their safety usually no longer relies on their empathy. But at this point, their empath nature is coded into their existence. It’s how they perceive the world. Because nobody teaches empaths about their predicament, and how to survive in light of it, the risk for addiction is high. Addiction is the fastest and most effective way to numb the overwhelm and dissociate from the body when things become too much. That’s the sad reality of trauma survivors. It’s a pipeline. Trauma, empathy, addiction.

4. Empathy and alcohol: While empaths may reach for different substances of choice, alcohol is a popular one that’s worth exploring. I used to be a heavy social drinker. A joyful drinker, but always a heavy drinker. On good days, I told myself I just “loved drinking”. On bad days, I’d judge myself for overdoing it. On very bad days, I’d self-loathe. Once I understood my empath nature, I was able to find self-compassion. I was numbing myself in overstimulating settings (parties, bars, networking), which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. The alcohol was doing me a favor by dialing down the volume on my environment just enough so I could actually be more present. My drinking went down substantially as I learned to seek out more nourishing settings. Eventually, I stopped drinking completely.

5. Empathy and healing: We’ve elaborated on the downsides of being an empath, but there’s also a tremendous gift inherent in the condition. If you can feel other people’s feelings, you are well-positioned to help them feel, maybe even to help them heal. Because your capacity to sense is dialed up, you’re more able to access your intuition. The story of the wounded healer is often the story of the empath. You become an empath through trauma, and by healing your trauma and harnessing your empathy, you can become an intuitive, perhaps even a healer. (I have a strong aversion to the word “healer” but you get the gist.)

As I felt stagnant in moving through step five, and increasingly experienced overpowering, at times disabling, and usually disorienting encounters with all kinds of energies that weren’t my own, I enrolled in energy school. Energy school is officially called the Academy of Intuition Medicine, and is an institution up in the Bay area that teaches individuals practical skills for managing and harnessing energy (their own, and others). I’ll share more about what I’m learning, but for today, there’s one concept I’d like to hone in on: grounding.

Grounding is the most important tool in the empathy toolbox. Initially, I was slightly irritated by this recommendation, which dominated empath literature. Visualizing a protective bubble around me during meditation? Is that all there is? I’ve since gained a much better understanding of the concept and its necessity (thanks to energy school, of course).

Empaths are easily tempted to dissociate to escape the overwhelm in the body. Grounding is the opposite of dissociation. That’s why it’s so critical. Through grounding you attune and connect to the earth’s energy, which is a consistent (and constant) electromagnetic field that can help anchor your energy.

The process of grounding can look different for everyone. Here what I’ve found helpful so far:

• Nature, regularly putting your feet on the surface of the earth, whether that’s the floor, or ideally grass or sand

• Meditations, especially those that focus on bodily sensations or anchoring (e.g., you may visualize a tree trunk growing from your pelvis down into the core of the earth, or an anchor)

• Water and baths, for the maximal experience, you can also try letting the water run out of the bathtub while staying in until all the water is gone (the sensations are quite mind-blowing)

• Eating regular, nourishing meals

• Yoga, especially slower practices such as Restorative and Yin

• Sobriety, as detailed above

For all my fellow empaths, how has your empathy impacted your life? What’s the good, what’s the bad? What strategies have you found most helpful?

〰️ This book is a good entry point for anyone who considers themselves an empath

〰️ Wendy De Rosa teaches you how to become an empowered empath

〰️ David Sauvage, who’s known for his performances as a human mirror, during which he reads the emotions of those silently sitting in front of him, offers teachings and courses for empaths

〰️ VICE explores the nature of empaths in this short documentary

〰️ This study showed that grounding people through conductive mattress pads connected to the earth lowered cortisol levels

“You must learn one thing: The world was made to be free in. Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong.” -

David Whyte