Hi there! We’re currently doing a series to celebrate the launch of our music journey app Atoon. You’ll find a piece of music at the end of this e-mail as well. 🎶
Why is it that when life is going well, we always find ways to dampen the bliss.
In my case, I like getting into “random” bad moods, just when things are going great.
There’s nothing wrong with bad moods. Women are cyclical, and cancer women are emotional. I hate to say it but I’ve never met a cancer woman that wasn’t moody highly sensitive and wearing her emotions on her sleeve. (I’m not gender profiling, I just don’t known enough cancer men to make a relevant observation).
So while there’s nothing wrong with bad moods, they do kill the bliss. I’ve recently become aware of a peculiar pattern: They often occur right after I point out how great things are.
Like clockwork, an inexplicable force turns me grumpy and dissatisfied within days. It’s happened so often that I realized it could not possibly be a coincidence. Then I remembered the concept of existential kink.
Existential kink is Carolyn Elliott’s humorous approach to Jungian shadow work. Her argument is that the parts of our life that feel stuck, painful, or self-sabotaging are secretly things we get off on. Whatever our situation—we manifest it, either consciously or unconsciously. The core tenet: Having is evidence of wanting.
I asked ChatGPT how this concept might apply to my specific circumstances:
Part of you may secretly love being in a bad mood. It gives you permission to withdraw and avoid the emotional demands of intimacy. There might even be a thrill in testing love — “Will they still love me like this?” — and proving to yourself that you’re too much, too moody, too broken. That’s your kink: reenacting the fear of being unloveable and getting off on the pain of it. It’s twisted safety.
Ouf.
This wasn’t the first time that I half-heartedly typed something into GPT only to get an answer that stopped me in my tracks (and it won’t be the last).
Will they still love me like this?
The moment I read those words my bones knew they were true. Inconvenient, but true. When things get too good, it’s time to test how good they can get—how good I deserve them to get.
Gay Hendricks coined the concept of the “upper limit” in his classic The Big Leap. Funny enough, I attempted to read his book years ago, but didn’t get too far because I thought it was stupid. Bland self-help, not for me.
Turns out the book was, in fact, not dumb. What was dumb was my little ego which seemingly felt a little too threatened and dismissed the idea. Smart little trickster.
According to Hendricks, we all begin to self-sabotage when we’re hitting our upper limit — a hidden thermostat for how much success, love, and happiness we deserve.
The moment we venture past that limit, self-sabotage kicks in to defend core beliefs about our worth planted when we were little. We start arguments, worry excessively (for no valid reason), make mistakes, or get sick.
This pattern also commonly follows psychedelic journeys: We experience the bliss of our true and unconditionally loving (and lovable) nature. We return with an afterglow to an elevated and freer version of ourself. Until eventually, old familiar patterns of lack sneak back in.
This usually means there’s more work to do, but part of that work is to recognize that hitting an upper limit triggers the part within our ego that feels threatened. It’s fighting for survival, latching on to defend its existence, unconsciously ensuring we remain small (and “safe”).
Because it is not the darkness in our shadow that most frightens us but the light.
Becoming aware is the hardest part of this process. It’s half the rent.
Once we have awareness, we can name our kinks and flip the script. We can be honest with ourselves, embody this reality, and own it “with delight”.
When mysterious, irrational parts within us make an appearance, we can stop judging or shaming them and give them what they really need: affirmation that we deserve all the love, happiness, and success in the world.
If you’re in search of a tool to expand your capacity for greater happiness, love, and success—here’s a short, daily music ritual to remind you of your worth.
Best enjoyed with headphones, either eyes-closed or paired with other daily rituals such as walks, bike rides, or any other mindful activities.
For more music journeys like this, download Atoon to quiet your mind and open your heart. 7-day free trial!
“Self-sabotage is when we have two conflicting desires: one is conscious, one is unconscious.” — Brianna Wiest
Artwork by Philipp Igumnov
More from my universe
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“Ouuuuf” is right. The response from ChatGPT hit me SO hard. I do get into self sabotage mode constantly, and I’m now realizing it’s because I don’t think I’m worthy. I’m a product of alcoholism, mental illness, and physical/emotional abuse and unfortunately this effects of these diseases will always be with me. I stayed in toxic relationships for way too long, and it wasn’t until I stopped playing the victim and realized that I was the common denominator. If I wanted my life situation to change, I had to put in the work on myself. Through a 12 step program I am finally understanding that the only person I have control over is myself. It has changed my life and am in a much healthier place. However, when things start to feel “too good” , boy am I a master at finding ways to cause tension and turmoil. It’s 100% a defense mechanism. Thank you for this and for your vulnerability. It feels amazing to be seen and heard, and I am so grateful the reminder that I am worthy of love and joy (literally) no matter what. 🫶🏼
So much in here hit… especially the part about getting grumpy right after naming how good things are. That one’s sneaky. I’ve seen it a lot post-journey too—like some old version of us gets scared it might be safe to let things be good. The ego’s kink is wild.