Thank you for this post and sharing details of your difficult journey- I found it very timely. I had my first 'journey' about three weeks ago and found it very intense, overwhelmingly so. I had read and been briefed and thought I knew what to expect, but I didn't realize that what may come out of the subconscious is our greatest fear(s) (versus submerged feelings or experiences). For me it seems that facing death was the greatest one. I knew ego dissolution was a likely part of the journey and might be akin to dying, but this was, during the journey, indistinguishable from my own death. The curious part about it was that I was convinced I was my father. I had good support before, during and after, although during the journey I was so immersed in what was happening and so overwhelmed by the bodily sensations that I could not communicate effectively with my guide to tell him what I was going through. His instructions to breathe deeply and try to relax did help me yield - to the sensations and the dissolution - though I seemed to go back and forth between yielding and fighting to stay in the present. My therapist helped me unpack much of the imagery / thoughts later. While initially I thought I might have had a 'bad' trip, it did seem that every part of it had a purpose - and about three days later I was able to sit with difficult feelings which descended upon me in the middle of the night without forcing them away as per usual (which I know gives them more energy). So as you said, intense and difficult, but not 'bad' in the sense of, I guess, deeply traumatic or scarring.
Thanks so much for sharing about your experience, Brooks!
The first time ego death occurs it feels like actual death because most of us have not met that which is beyond the ego, so naturally as the ego dissolves we are convinced all of us is dying. It's interesting that you experienced death through your father. I'm wondering if there's something ancestral there, if he had an experience in his life that cemented fear of death in his subconscious (even more so than the average person may have it)? I've had many journeys where I processed generational stuff, sensitivities that are not our own but were passed along sometimes through generations and continue to live in us.
By the way, it's incredible that you already saw a shift days later. Sometimes it can take months to get to the fruits of the labor 😊 Curious to hear how this unfolds for you!
Thanks. Generational stuff is possible (had not considered this before), also my dad was having health issues at the time, or it could be that my ego identified with my dad. It certainly was disconcerting!
I've used music when I was having a bit of a hard time, it was very effective for me. I curated a playlist beforehand so there would be no surprises in the mix.
That's a great point, Tim! Changing the music to something soothing can do wonders for 'mild' difficulties. I've found that when you're too far in terror-territory, though, it is not sufficient anymore to shift the state. During my death loop I certainly didn't even hear any music any more 😅
There's also the nuance that music can sometimes bring up stuff we don't want to sit with, from which the urge can emerge to change the music in attempt to avoid what feels challenging (when what we may need even more is to stick with it). At least that's my experience. Ultimately I think with practice you learn when to stick it out and go deeper and when to alter the setting.
Yes. I have actually gone on a mushroom trip where I just let my regular music play, and decided that I would not change any songs because I wanted to deal with whatever came up while that particular music was playing, whether it was AC/DC or ABBA. I wanted to see the reactions in me, and deal with my thoughts. For that trip, I sat by myself with no one else around in a dark room and just listen to the music, and made myself stay there for over a couple hours before I wandered off to do something else. I really didn’t appreciate how a couple of the dance songs in particular made me feel, they were harsh, and it led to some very uncomfortable moments, but I knew that the song would end and something else would hit.
Julia, masterful summary of your experience from that difficult journey years ago!
What I missed in your account is what kind of long lasting positive effects (or not) did the challenging experience catalyze for you? You do say that as a result of the journey experience, emotions came back and you were able to reconnect with them. I'd be interested in a more granular comparison of how your life is different from the before compared to the after? And have these changes continued to influence how you live your life today? What's that look like?
Hi Becca, great question! I could write an entire essay on it 😅
The short answer is that the root of my addiction (an eating disorder in my case) was my inability to have emotional experiences - my subconscious was convinced it was not safe to feel. So the addiction was a protective mechanism to ensure I would never have to feel.
This ceremony was a turning point in my journey of reconnecting with my heart and all the emotions it carries - embracing them was the key to my recovery. So I not only owe mental health and sanity (and freedom from addiction) to this experience in some ways, but also the ability to feel alive and connected as a sensitive human who can experience immense emotional depth without having to numb when it becomes overwhelming (most of the time 😊).
I can hear how powerful that ayahuasca journey's been for you!
I’m curious, though – and I hope you'll indulge me, since that journey was a peak transformative experience, what is it that keeps you returning to psychedelics? I ask with genuine curiosity because it sounds like that particular ceremony unlocked so much for you. Are there aspects of your life that more of these substances continue to support, or is there something new you’re exploring? Or maybe it's just fun?
Or maybe I’m totally off base here and don’t understand the motivation of a psychonaut! To be honest, that could be the case because my work is about emotional and trauma release – and when a person has recovered, they no longer have a need for these psychedelic explorations (I can drag out that old Alan Watts chestnut: “If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen”).
Anyway, I’m really interested in understanding how the medicines continue to play a role in your life, especially after such a profound breakthrough. Thanks!
A wonderfully written, very helpful account. Thank you. I'm tucking it away to refer to later when (if) I can find someone supportive to do a journey with. I've done them alone because I haven't been able to find someone who can deal with someone like me, someone with extensive dissociation. I've been advised not to do journeys in a group and decided that's wise (especially after reading Ecstatic Integration!), and I've also decided not to do journeys with someone who doesn't understand and have experience with people with dissociative conditions. But people who understand dissociation don't usually think psychedelics are wise for us, just as they avoid people who have ever had any psychosis or even a family history of psychosis. So it's been tough and so I've done psychedelics on my own, and I've gotten a lot from them, though nowhere near enough.
Thank you for the kind words and sharing your experience, Zida. Your precautions are wise. My partner has a history of severe dissociation which required a similarly intentional approach but ultimately, he got tremendous benefit from this work. If you ever want to chat with him, I'm sure he would be open to it. It's so important to tailor your approach to your needs and he did not have anyone to consult with when he dove in.
Thanks! I'd love to learn from someone who has similar issues and has had--it seems--more success than I have had. I'm no good on the phone, but maybe a Substack message or an email exchange?
I'm a newcomer. How do I get started? How do I connect with others and purchase the goods? I don't want to experience a trip on my own. Thank you, GUVVY
Hi Timothy, welcome! The best place to start is here: https://juliachristina.substack.com/p/start-here - There are a ton of resources linked. If you share more about what kind of experience you're looking for I can also provide suggestions for how to find it. All the best, Julia
Thank you for this post and sharing details of your difficult journey- I found it very timely. I had my first 'journey' about three weeks ago and found it very intense, overwhelmingly so. I had read and been briefed and thought I knew what to expect, but I didn't realize that what may come out of the subconscious is our greatest fear(s) (versus submerged feelings or experiences). For me it seems that facing death was the greatest one. I knew ego dissolution was a likely part of the journey and might be akin to dying, but this was, during the journey, indistinguishable from my own death. The curious part about it was that I was convinced I was my father. I had good support before, during and after, although during the journey I was so immersed in what was happening and so overwhelmed by the bodily sensations that I could not communicate effectively with my guide to tell him what I was going through. His instructions to breathe deeply and try to relax did help me yield - to the sensations and the dissolution - though I seemed to go back and forth between yielding and fighting to stay in the present. My therapist helped me unpack much of the imagery / thoughts later. While initially I thought I might have had a 'bad' trip, it did seem that every part of it had a purpose - and about three days later I was able to sit with difficult feelings which descended upon me in the middle of the night without forcing them away as per usual (which I know gives them more energy). So as you said, intense and difficult, but not 'bad' in the sense of, I guess, deeply traumatic or scarring.
Thanks so much for sharing about your experience, Brooks!
The first time ego death occurs it feels like actual death because most of us have not met that which is beyond the ego, so naturally as the ego dissolves we are convinced all of us is dying. It's interesting that you experienced death through your father. I'm wondering if there's something ancestral there, if he had an experience in his life that cemented fear of death in his subconscious (even more so than the average person may have it)? I've had many journeys where I processed generational stuff, sensitivities that are not our own but were passed along sometimes through generations and continue to live in us.
By the way, it's incredible that you already saw a shift days later. Sometimes it can take months to get to the fruits of the labor 😊 Curious to hear how this unfolds for you!
Thanks. Generational stuff is possible (had not considered this before), also my dad was having health issues at the time, or it could be that my ego identified with my dad. It certainly was disconcerting!
I've used music when I was having a bit of a hard time, it was very effective for me. I curated a playlist beforehand so there would be no surprises in the mix.
That's a great point, Tim! Changing the music to something soothing can do wonders for 'mild' difficulties. I've found that when you're too far in terror-territory, though, it is not sufficient anymore to shift the state. During my death loop I certainly didn't even hear any music any more 😅
There's also the nuance that music can sometimes bring up stuff we don't want to sit with, from which the urge can emerge to change the music in attempt to avoid what feels challenging (when what we may need even more is to stick with it). At least that's my experience. Ultimately I think with practice you learn when to stick it out and go deeper and when to alter the setting.
Yes. I have actually gone on a mushroom trip where I just let my regular music play, and decided that I would not change any songs because I wanted to deal with whatever came up while that particular music was playing, whether it was AC/DC or ABBA. I wanted to see the reactions in me, and deal with my thoughts. For that trip, I sat by myself with no one else around in a dark room and just listen to the music, and made myself stay there for over a couple hours before I wandered off to do something else. I really didn’t appreciate how a couple of the dance songs in particular made me feel, they were harsh, and it led to some very uncomfortable moments, but I knew that the song would end and something else would hit.
Julia, masterful summary of your experience from that difficult journey years ago!
What I missed in your account is what kind of long lasting positive effects (or not) did the challenging experience catalyze for you? You do say that as a result of the journey experience, emotions came back and you were able to reconnect with them. I'd be interested in a more granular comparison of how your life is different from the before compared to the after? And have these changes continued to influence how you live your life today? What's that look like?
Thank you for sharing!
Hi Becca, great question! I could write an entire essay on it 😅
The short answer is that the root of my addiction (an eating disorder in my case) was my inability to have emotional experiences - my subconscious was convinced it was not safe to feel. So the addiction was a protective mechanism to ensure I would never have to feel.
This ceremony was a turning point in my journey of reconnecting with my heart and all the emotions it carries - embracing them was the key to my recovery. So I not only owe mental health and sanity (and freedom from addiction) to this experience in some ways, but also the ability to feel alive and connected as a sensitive human who can experience immense emotional depth without having to numb when it becomes overwhelming (most of the time 😊).
I can hear how powerful that ayahuasca journey's been for you!
I’m curious, though – and I hope you'll indulge me, since that journey was a peak transformative experience, what is it that keeps you returning to psychedelics? I ask with genuine curiosity because it sounds like that particular ceremony unlocked so much for you. Are there aspects of your life that more of these substances continue to support, or is there something new you’re exploring? Or maybe it's just fun?
Or maybe I’m totally off base here and don’t understand the motivation of a psychonaut! To be honest, that could be the case because my work is about emotional and trauma release – and when a person has recovered, they no longer have a need for these psychedelic explorations (I can drag out that old Alan Watts chestnut: “If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen”).
Anyway, I’m really interested in understanding how the medicines continue to play a role in your life, especially after such a profound breakthrough. Thanks!
A wonderfully written, very helpful account. Thank you. I'm tucking it away to refer to later when (if) I can find someone supportive to do a journey with. I've done them alone because I haven't been able to find someone who can deal with someone like me, someone with extensive dissociation. I've been advised not to do journeys in a group and decided that's wise (especially after reading Ecstatic Integration!), and I've also decided not to do journeys with someone who doesn't understand and have experience with people with dissociative conditions. But people who understand dissociation don't usually think psychedelics are wise for us, just as they avoid people who have ever had any psychosis or even a family history of psychosis. So it's been tough and so I've done psychedelics on my own, and I've gotten a lot from them, though nowhere near enough.
Thank you for the kind words and sharing your experience, Zida. Your precautions are wise. My partner has a history of severe dissociation which required a similarly intentional approach but ultimately, he got tremendous benefit from this work. If you ever want to chat with him, I'm sure he would be open to it. It's so important to tailor your approach to your needs and he did not have anyone to consult with when he dove in.
Thanks! I'd love to learn from someone who has similar issues and has had--it seems--more success than I have had. I'm no good on the phone, but maybe a Substack message or an email exchange?
I'm a newcomer. How do I get started? How do I connect with others and purchase the goods? I don't want to experience a trip on my own. Thank you, GUVVY
Hi Timothy, welcome! The best place to start is here: https://juliachristina.substack.com/p/start-here - There are a ton of resources linked. If you share more about what kind of experience you're looking for I can also provide suggestions for how to find it. All the best, Julia