Thanks for this. It’s always helpful to read an outline of one person’s journey, whether it’s about psychedelics or something else. I wonder if there could be a Substack that was every week a different person writing a one to two thousand word essay on their personal journey. Each writer could say what mistakes they believe they made or where they were misdirected. Something like the book: The Courage to Heal.
I did a few dozen journeys with ketamine (because that’s what was available to me) that were incredibly interesting and worthwhile in themselves, but didn’t seem to make a difference. Then I started using mushrooms and those journeys became increasingly difficult. My last was last July, and now I’m in a place where I don’t know if I am wisely using this time to integrate that complex journey (which seems to have made it possible for me to start my own Substack and to comment more), or if I’m just afraid of what will happen next. It’s always a question, I think, with mushrooms. They feel dangerous, but just how dangerous?
So lots of questions around how many journeys to do and when it’s time to do them and whether maybe you’ve done enough. I love what you say: “You don’t find wholeness by fixing the parts of you that don’t feel whole, you find wholeness by learning to be with the sense of lack.” But learning to be present with “the sense of lack” (which can be terrible) or anything like it is the hardest thing of all, and I am still so far from being able to do that.
Thank you for sharing, Zida! Your experience with Ketamine echoes what I've heard from others. What about mushrooms feels dangerous to you? It could be a good next step to journey with an experienced guide (or have you already done that)? It makes a big difference.
Thanks for asking. I have done journeys with 3 experienced guides/therapists—one was MAPS trained—but I don’t feel they supported me well, and eventually they all backed away. The problem is that I have dissociated such extensive trauma, and all therapists, not just psychedelic guides, have feared that I would be made worse at some point if I kept diving into my unconscious. So they are afraid to be involved with me or to support me. Their fear of course has made me afraid and I eventually decided it is best for me to do journeys on my own. Guides only help if they are supportive! Duh.
But they are (partly) right. Journeys—indeed, any exploration of trauma—is dangerous. The danger is that I will become worse rather than better. They aren’t willing to take the risk because it’s not their life, but I am. Still, I don’t want to be foolhardy. I am a careful person. So I question whether it’s a good idea to do another journey.
Thinking it over at this moment, I decide that writing this Substack is where I’m at at this stage in my journey. The mushrooms brought me here. I will write for a year, I think (hope), and process my trauma that way. Maybe I will connect with people this way. I have been very isolated because it is so difficult to talk about these matters, both on my side and for others. Writing is easier than speaking. Though still very difficult!
Hi! It's varied over the years - I'd say integration coaching, talk therapy/IFS, yoga & meditation, breathwork, somatic practices, dance, writing/journaling, authentic relating practices such as circling are the tools I've used most. How about you?
O yes Newsletter fatigue here too. If unsubscribed numerous newsletters the last weeks as I don't read them anyway and they constantly remind me that I missed something out or didn't do beside the fact that my email inbox becomes quite confusing.
My last name is very German so I don’t use it anywhere 🙃 But my IG handle is @juliachristinar - I’m not on there much but now I’ll have to check out what you post! Sending love
Great piece and perspectives. As you note, integration takes time and is where the real work begins. Made us think - you can definitely have too much medicine but hard to see how you can have too much integration.
Thanks for this. It’s always helpful to read an outline of one person’s journey, whether it’s about psychedelics or something else. I wonder if there could be a Substack that was every week a different person writing a one to two thousand word essay on their personal journey. Each writer could say what mistakes they believe they made or where they were misdirected. Something like the book: The Courage to Heal.
I did a few dozen journeys with ketamine (because that’s what was available to me) that were incredibly interesting and worthwhile in themselves, but didn’t seem to make a difference. Then I started using mushrooms and those journeys became increasingly difficult. My last was last July, and now I’m in a place where I don’t know if I am wisely using this time to integrate that complex journey (which seems to have made it possible for me to start my own Substack and to comment more), or if I’m just afraid of what will happen next. It’s always a question, I think, with mushrooms. They feel dangerous, but just how dangerous?
So lots of questions around how many journeys to do and when it’s time to do them and whether maybe you’ve done enough. I love what you say: “You don’t find wholeness by fixing the parts of you that don’t feel whole, you find wholeness by learning to be with the sense of lack.” But learning to be present with “the sense of lack” (which can be terrible) or anything like it is the hardest thing of all, and I am still so far from being able to do that.
Thank you for sharing, Zida! Your experience with Ketamine echoes what I've heard from others. What about mushrooms feels dangerous to you? It could be a good next step to journey with an experienced guide (or have you already done that)? It makes a big difference.
Thanks for asking. I have done journeys with 3 experienced guides/therapists—one was MAPS trained—but I don’t feel they supported me well, and eventually they all backed away. The problem is that I have dissociated such extensive trauma, and all therapists, not just psychedelic guides, have feared that I would be made worse at some point if I kept diving into my unconscious. So they are afraid to be involved with me or to support me. Their fear of course has made me afraid and I eventually decided it is best for me to do journeys on my own. Guides only help if they are supportive! Duh.
But they are (partly) right. Journeys—indeed, any exploration of trauma—is dangerous. The danger is that I will become worse rather than better. They aren’t willing to take the risk because it’s not their life, but I am. Still, I don’t want to be foolhardy. I am a careful person. So I question whether it’s a good idea to do another journey.
Thinking it over at this moment, I decide that writing this Substack is where I’m at at this stage in my journey. The mushrooms brought me here. I will write for a year, I think (hope), and process my trauma that way. Maybe I will connect with people this way. I have been very isolated because it is so difficult to talk about these matters, both on my side and for others. Writing is easier than speaking. Though still very difficult!
Wow, thank you! Which tools do you use to integrate psychedelic experiences?
Hi! It's varied over the years - I'd say integration coaching, talk therapy/IFS, yoga & meditation, breathwork, somatic practices, dance, writing/journaling, authentic relating practices such as circling are the tools I've used most. How about you?
Also, here is an overview of integration tools: https://juliachristina.substack.com/p/this-weeks-travels-psychedelic-integration
O yes Newsletter fatigue here too. If unsubscribed numerous newsletters the last weeks as I don't read them anyway and they constantly remind me that I missed something out or didn't do beside the fact that my email inbox becomes quite confusing.
That's how I feel too! I'm oversubscribed and then I always feel guilty for not reading them 😅
I wanted to quote you on Instagram and then realized I don’t know your last name. 😬😂
My last name is very German so I don’t use it anywhere 🙃 But my IG handle is @juliachristinar - I’m not on there much but now I’ll have to check out what you post! Sending love
Thank you! You drop so many gems that blow my mind. 🤯
Great piece and perspectives. As you note, integration takes time and is where the real work begins. Made us think - you can definitely have too much medicine but hard to see how you can have too much integration.
Thank you so much. Couldn't agree more!