The (un)fulfillment trap

Unpacking your purpose — part 1, "the problem"

It’s astonishing how far you can journey through life in oblivion. Never pausing to ask yourself the most fundamental question there is. Until one day you wake up perplexed that it has taken you so long. There it is, staring you in the face. Why on earth are you here?

If you’re on the journey inward, the process of returning to your authentic self has likely triggered this question in some shape or form. As you reconnect with your essence and heal the wounds that obstruct it, you begin to wonder: what now?

I invite you to join me on an exploration into the purpose of life, the purpose of your life, and what it takes to identify and step into it. This is a big topic, so we’ll explore it in multiple parts — this is part one, the problem.

The mandatory detour to “Shoudlandia”

The easiest way to avoid the question of meaning is by externalizing it. In the modern West, you’ve learned that a stable career, frequent vacations to recharge, family, relationships, wealth, and belongings constitute a meaningful life.

For the insecure overachiever, a term widely used by my former peers at BCG, a reputable career that provides validation becomes particularly appealing. The drive to achieve elevates the need for a stable career to that of a prestigious one. Insecure overachievers penetrate all fields from law to medicine to politics, each with their version of the hamster wheel fueled by the insecurity of those in it.

Whether you consider yourself an overachiever or not, you likely followed some path into your version of “Shoudlandia”, a brilliant term I adapted from

Paul Millerd

.

Shouldlandia is the promised land defined by all the mainstream variations of shoulds. You should make good money. You should work at least 40 hours a week. You should get married and settle down by a certain age. You should buy a home and build wealth.

Millennials, aka Generation (WH)Y, have increasingly revolted against the cookie-cutter 9-to-5 life path in a quest for more purpose, in response to which Boomers love to emphasize that “jobs are still just jobs”.

If you don’t belong to the lucky few who have a vocation, you’re stuck with an occupation. Not all purpose has to come from your profession, right? What about family, friends, and all that free time outside work?

The newest corner in Shouldlandia has become solopreneurship. By making passive income online and slashing down work hours (ideally to less than four, if you ask Tim Ferris), you free yourself from the corporate chains and improve your quality of life.

This segregates those stuck with occupations into two groups: those who’ve managed to benefit from capitalism (often while simultaneously “escaping the matrix”), and those stuck in the robotic existence of the 9-to-5.

Wherever you’re at, you’re probably mostly surrounded by those who haven’t asked themselves the big question (yet). Aside from the select few woke ones trying to sell you a coaching program online so that you, too, can break free. Entire multi-million dollar pyramid schemes disguised as multi-level marketing (MLM) organizations have emerged to help the soul-crushed become financially independent and live life on their terms.

If you’re lucky, you’ve picked up some hobby along the way that maintains your life force and sanity. With envy, you may look towards the few extra lucky ones who’ve turned their hobbies into income.

Whatever neighborhood of Shoudlandia you reside in, if you’re still reading this you’ve probably pondered if that’s all to life. You wonder what’s available for you. A part of you knows there must be more. You can hear the bigger life calling. But you’re paralyzed. Where do you begin?

How I drifted into a career that fed my ego but starved my soul

Growing up I was convinced I’d become an architect. As a creative and mathematically gifted child, architecture seemed to be the perfect fit. When it was time to choose a career path at the ripe age of 17, I enrolled in business school.

I don’t remember when the architecture dream faded, but the decision to pursue business had emerged from three forces, (a) my sustained mathematic abilities that overshadowed any creative hobbies, (b) my proclivity for reason, and (c) my elaborate spending habits and lifestyle ambitions which would require substantial means to be maintained. Going for business was a no-brainer.

During a Master’s program in France, I learned that everyone with grit wanted to become a strategy consultant. So, I became a strategy consultant. I joined The Boston Consulting Group (BCG), where I hustled into an elite, finance-focused task force with only ten slots for thousands of consultants. More exclusivity that my validation-hungry ego devoured.

A year into the role, at age 24, I wrote in my journal: “I’ve achieved everything I was working so hard for but I still feel empty. Is this not what I’m supposed to be doing?”

In good old “career drift” fashion, as

Gretchen Rubin

would say, I chose to address this question by postponing it. I returned to business school for an MBA on BCG’s payroll. A choice that would unravel me, as New York first broke me down, and then broke me open.

By the third semester, a future in the corporate world turned into a depressing fate. This was inconvenient. I had committed to return to BCG. It also meant I no longer had a map. For the past ten years, I’d drifted through life, choosing the path of least resistance by taking the steps neatly laid out in front of me. Now, I had no direction.

“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” — C. G. Jung

There’s a part of you that knows why you’re here

The price you pay for residence in Shoudlandia is that it crushes your soul. But that’s okay because you’re either aware but overtaken by the mindset of more, or blind (what’s a soul?).

You’re asking yourself this question now because the journey inward, whether or not aided by psychedelics, has revealed a new facet of your being. A voice alternate to that which has been guiding you to date — your ego.

Your soul comprises the non-material aspects of your being that are unique (vs those that are universal, which is embodied in spirit). Everyone has a soul. Even the universe. The universe’s soul is spirit.

When the soul is heard but not engaged, you fall into deep sorrow. Soul depression may arise in the form of clinical depression, a mid-life crisis, or burnout, which doesn’t only result from too much work but also too little soul work.

As Bill Plotkin argues, soul depression costs you more than your mental health:

“The alienation from soul is more than a mental-health crisis. It is, quite possibly, the most fundamental problem on the planet, the knot at the very center of our dilemmas.”

On a collective level, soul disconnection has led to a meaninglessness crisis in modern culture. It’s fueled by the individual level, at which the stage has been left almost entirely to the nagging, greedy, and perpetually discontent ego.

It’s a painful existence that requires a certain degree of numbing to tolerate. The modern world is designed to cater to lost souls in many ways. In the words of Plotkin:

“Many people fill their days with a thousand and one distractions in an attempt to muffle the cry of their souls. Often these distractions become our addictions — consumerism, eating disorders, substance abuse, compulsive sex, pornography, workaholism, religious fundamentalism, obsessive thrill-seeking or gambling, and excessive TV watching — all of which contribute further to the deterioration of the world.”

Soul discovery begins with the recognition that your ego is “a good servant but a bad master”, in the words of Alan Watts. The ego cannot guide you into purpose. That’s a job only soul can do. Soul sets the vision, ego executes it.

To be continued next week…

〰️ This article explains why and how soul disconnection occurs

〰️

Paul Millerd

’s work invites you to discover life outside Shoudlandia

〰️ Bill Plotkin’s brilliant book explores “soulcraft”

〰️ Another beginner-friendly, quick read on the meaning of life

〰️ Pixar’s Soul serves heartfelt inspiration for those on the journey to purpose

“Your soul understands what your mind cannot conceive.” — Neale Donald Walsh