How invisible trauma traps you in the shackles of limiting beliefs

How your childhood shapes how you view the world, what it takes to heal your inner child, and where to start

My work with plant medicine taught me early on that the majority of our deepest wounds occur during childhood.

This is not news. Psychologists have known this for the longest time. That’s why therapists sooner or later inquire about your upbringing and familial relationships.

However, it’s not always as straightforward.

What if you don’t remember the wounds you incurred as a child because your mind repressed them? Or, what if you do remember but judge them to be unsubstantial?

This week we dive into invisible trauma, how it impacts you, and what to do about it.

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Busting Some Common Misconceptions About Trauma

Trauma is a loaded word.

It’s thrown around easily these days, we jokingly announce “we’re traumatized” by anything and everything.

At the same time, the word trauma can depict experiences that range from severe physical and sexual assault to combat.

That’s not the type of trauma that we’re focusing on today, though.

Today is about developmental, aka childhood trauma.

Let’s begin by exploring four common misconceptions about trauma:

1. Trauma is what happens to you.

2. Trauma is always loud and violent.

3. Trauma is a single event in time.

4. Trauma only impacts you when you remember it.

#1 Trauma is not what happens to you but how you experience it

Trauma is not what happened to you but how you responded to it.

That includes both action and interpretation.

When a traumatic event occurs, you have three response mechanisms: fight, flight, or freeze.

Freeze is the most problematic one. When you freeze, you don’t respond to the event. As a result, it remains unprocessed. When the body doesn’t get the chance to discharge the energy, it holds on to it. Things get pushed into the shadow by repressing, suppressing, or denying them. That, in turn, causes all sorts of problems in your mind and soul in the long run and may manifest as mental or physical illness.

Everyone experiences traumatic events differently. That’s why some endure awful events without incurring lasting trauma, while others, who don’t have the opportunity or capacity to process properly, endure wounds that often last a lifetime.

#2 Developmental trauma is often quiet and invisible

There’s also the infamous notion of big “T” trauma and little “t” trauma. I don’t think this differentiation is very helpful. It characterizes the event, not the experience.

Not feeling safe has a severe impact on your life, whether that’s the result of rape or combat or something more benign. Little “t” trauma can be just as harmful as big “T” trauma when not processed properly. One isn’t worse or “bigger” than the other.

There’s no trauma hierarchy.

In fact, a lot more people are probably impacted by little “t” or invisible trauma than by big “T” trauma.

#3 Developmental trauma is enduring

The notion of invisible, developmental trauma contradicts the assumption that trauma is a result of a single, traumatic event in time.

On one end of that spectrum is complex PTSD, which is a consequence of ongoing violence, neglect, or abuse during childhood. C-PTSD is a fairly recent diagnosis that hasn’t even been added to the bible of psychiatry, the DSM-5, yet.

There are also much milder forms of developmental trauma, though, that nevertheless have a lasting impact.

It’s doesn’t necessarily have to be something that happens to you repeatedly in childhood (although it could be), it can also a feeling your childhood left you with.

#4 Trauma impacts you only when you remember it

The most common response I get when I talk about healing childhood wounds I didn’t even know I had with plant medicine is this: “I wouldn’t want to go there. There’s too much stuff that I’d rather not know about.”

People who say this assume that they’re better off remaining unaware.

What happens when you remain unaware is that your trauma stays tucked away in your shadow, and as a result, you project it out into the world.

As Carl Jung teaches:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Your unwanted thought and habit patterns all stem from whatever subconscious material you haven’t faced yet. The psyche is not random, everything makes perfect sense. If you don’t understand why you think or behave in certain ways, it’s simply because you haven’t illuminated your subconscious patterning yet.

While unprocessed childhood trauma may not hurt you directly, it will most definitely hurt those around you.

In the words of Carl Jung:

“The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others.”

When You Experience Invisible Trauma, You Form Subconscious Beliefs That Govern Your Life

The result of developmental trauma is that you adopt beliefs about yourself and the world around you that you carry into your adult life.

The problem is that more often than not, you’re not aware you carry those beliefs.

Here are the beliefs I formed during my childhood:

1. I’m not enough as I am.

2. Something is inherently wrong with me.

3. I’m not capable of love.

4. It’s not safe to feel.

None of them I was consciously aware of. They were revealed to me during Ayahuasca and San Pedro ceremonies and integration sessions with depth psychologists.

Especially #1 is the most common and widespread limiting belief.

Here’s why it’s so easy to adopt it: When your caretaker appears displeased with how you behave (which will happen at some point during your childhood), you assume something is wrong with you rather than the caretaker. You do so because that’s safer than assuming that the issue lies with your caretaker. It’s a protective mechanism.

This type of invisible trauma leaves you doubtful of your inherent worth. As a result, you’ll try to find worth outside of yourself.

According to shame expert Brené Brown, this manifests as “pleasing, performing, perfecting”. While I was never much of a people pleaser, I was definitely a performer and perfectionist. When you experience trauma, you’re also helpless. As a result, you try everything in your power to regain control as an adult. My not-enoughness and need for control manifested in an eating disorder and a prestige-driven career.

Just Because You Were Deeply Loved as a Child Doesn’t Mean You Got Everything You Needed

At this point, it’s crucial to make a critical distinction:

Love and attunement are not the same.

I was extremely loved throughout my entire childhood. Yet, there was a lack of attunement. I not only didn’t feel seen for who I was but also felt shamed for it.

This happens when a caretaker puts their own needs above the needs of their child, which often occurs completely subconsciously. The parent may have the best intentions, and to deduce what their child may need they refer to their inner world. In the process, they miss the opportunity to attune to the inner world of the child and their specific needs, which may greatly differ from that of the parent.

This subtle difference can leave a great mark on the child’s psyche.

In the words of depth psychologist Alice Miller:

“What happens if a mother not only is unable to recognize and fulfill her child’s needs, but is herself in need of assurance? Quite unconsciously, the mother then tries to assuage her own needs through her child. This does not rule out strong affection; the mother often loves her child passionately, but not in the way it needs to be loved.”

Healing Begins When You Make Your Pain Conscious, Acknowledge It, and Form a Relationship with It

I’m not a trained psychologist but this 3-step approach to heal your inner child has worked extremely well for me and many others:

1. Make the subconscious conscious

2. Create a container to process your childhood trauma

3. Change how you relate to your wounded parts

Step 1 is where plant medicine comes in. Of course, you don’t have to necessarily use psychedelics. There are many other ways to work with your subconscious, such as:

• Depth psychology and dream work

• Depth hypnosis

• Holotropic breathwork

• Internal Family Systems therapy

Step 2 then refers to what you may call psychedelic integration. Once you bring limiting beliefs to light, it can be quite disruptive to discover how simple beliefs formed in childhood have formed the basis of your entire life. That’s why it’s critical to have sufficient support structures in place that allow you to explore these insights and process them properly. I’ve found therapy and integration coaching most helpful for this.

A huge piece for me here was also processing the grief surrounding my childhood, which was hard at first because all my life I believed I had had such a perfect childhood.

In the words of Alice Miller:

“Probably the greatest of wounds—not to have been loved just as one truly was—cannot heal without the work of mourning.”

Finally, step 3 is the pinnacle of inner child work. You heal your inner child when you change how you relate to those parts of you that were wounded in childhood. Despite doing the work to heal them, they will always be there. Learning to hold these paths with empathy and compassion is the piece of the puzzle that will set you free.

Part of Step 3 may also be self-forgiveness. I’ve abused myself terribly over the last two decades. When I realized that this abuse was “simply” a result of the beliefs I carried into adulthood, I was finally able to forgive myself. I now see the little girl and know that she couldn’t have possibly behaved in any other way. She was just trying to stay afloat, doing her best, trying to protect me.

As trauma therapist Amy Crawford argues:

“All of us are craving love, connection, and safety. And trauma essentially rocks us at the core of all three of those. As a consequence, trauma can make us act incongruent to who we really are as a means of trying to keep us alive.”

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Your Journey

I know this is a tricky, heavy topic but I’d still encourage some reflection:

1. What feeling has your childhood left you with? What conscious beliefs about yourself?

2. Are there any parts of you that struggle to entertain the possibility that you’ve been negatively impacted as a kid because you’ve been loved deeply?

3. If you feel ready to explore your subconscious beliefs, which modalities do you gravitate towards? What are some specific steps you can take to get started?

As always, I’d love to hear from you! Comment your reflections or any questions you may have. You can also reply via e-mail if that feels more comfortable.

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Dig Deeper

If you’re looking to further explore the notion of invisible trauma, I recommend two resources:

This episode of the Goop podcast, where Gwyneth interviews therapist and trauma specialists Amy Crawford.

This book on “the search for the true self” by Swiss depth psychologist Alice Miller.

The work of Gabor Mate is also a relevant mention here.

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Thanks so much for your time and attention this week. Let me know if you have any questions or specific curiosities.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

With love,

Julia