"This is about how you talk to yourself"
How to make your mind a more friendly place
I was going to start this one by talking about how much my inner dialogue has changed (it is a rose garden in there now! nothing but joy and wonder!). But then I was humbled by a shame spiral tackling me out of nowhere (you’re such a failure! you should delete your Substack! nobody cares!).
Alas, it is not a rose garden in there, but here’s what has changed: the ratio.
Self-demeaning thoughts no longer dominate my mind. They stand out. They still poke holes into the fabric of my consciousness, but they no longer threaten to rip it apart.
Each time a new hole appears, I now stitch a bright patch over it. Patches that say I understand why you believe this, you have every right to have this belief, but it is just a belief. Patches that say Two things can be true at the same time, you can feel both worthy and worthless. Patches that say However you show up today, I still love you.
Today:
How psychedelics can help improve the quality of your mind
3 steps to transform your inner dialogue (blending psychedelics and Buddhism)
One simple perspective shift that can make a huge difference
Brief resource roundup
My mind explodes. Every intrusive thought I ever had comes flying at me, all at once. Hundreds of thousands of them, bullets of judgment, shooting me down into a black hole.
Just minutes earlier, I ingested a flood dose of ibogaine. Now, all that’s left are the gravitational waves reverberating through my cluttered mind. What remains of me is left hanging in a dark, rumbly void.
I seek out my only tether: the music. Latching on to the mesmerizing sounds of a flute, I strain to follow its every note in my fight for presence. The flute is all I have left. The flute is all that’s left of me.
This is about how you talk to yourself, the medicine tells me, revealing the extent to which I let my mind sabotage me. This ‘mental detox’ is a common part of the ibogaine experience. Other psychedelics, too, can amplify what’s present in the mind and provide context for why it has evolved the way it has. Which, in my case, happens to be a dumpster for self-directed trash talk.
Improving the quality of our mind is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to elevate our lived experience. But the work is a grind. Psychedelic and meditative states can help us envision the patterns, but we still have to do the (patch)work.
Psychedelics particularly are great at proving our core belief systems wrong. I left many journeys convinced that there is nothing left but love and gratitude brimming through me. The fabric is fixed! No more holes! Hooray!
But it never lasts because that’s not the nature of the mind. Belief systems don’t just vanish after journeys. The mind rips, and it’s through those openings that we get to create unique, colorful patterns.
3 steps to transform your inner dialogue
The mind gives rise to whatever it’s most familiar with. Most thoughts stem from either craving or aversion, as the Buddha taught. Something is (or isn’t) happening, but we don’t (or do) want it to happen. That’s the tape the mind plays. All freaking day long.
The fundamental thesis of Buddhism is that you are not your thoughts but that which observes them. Your thoughts are simply a record of your past. Meditation can help establish a micro distance between you and the chatter. It is in that space that new possibilities emerge.
Transcending the mind is not the point. Even if you sink into nirvanic bliss during a journey or meditation, the grasping nature of the mind will pull you out eventually. Unless you are Eckhart Tolle perhaps.
For lasting changes, you need to do three things:
Develop a practice that trains you to observe your thoughts with equanimity. Meditation is the quintessential technique to do this, and it doesn’t necessarily involve sitting in silence at 5am (unless that’s your vibe). Psychedelic experiences can help ground you in what you’re working towards, but building the capacity comes from repetition. (Fun fact, several of the now biggest Western meditation teachers credit psychedelic experiences as the catalysts for their careers). Here are some tips on how to get started.
Learn why your mind evolved the way it did. This step is why after five years of Buddhist meditation, I still wasn’t able to change my inner dialogue. I needed a shift in awareness, which I got through psychedelic-induced altered states of consciousness. There are other ways, but this happens to be the fastest and most reliable one. It’s the difference between thinking you suck because you suck versus thinking you suck because your needs as a child weren’t met, and your mind developed protective belief systems as a survival mechanism. Awareness breeds equanimity.
Start patching yourself up. Buddhists do metta meditation to plant seeds of kindness and compassion. Newagers use affirmations. It doesn’t matter what you do. But you’ll need to do something. Recognizing the holes are not the fabric of your consciousness is not enough. You need the patchwork. It’s the slow but rewarding process of learning to hold the polarities within. Knowing when to tend to the rants of the ego with patience and compassion, and when to dismiss them (hard but possible with practice).
Whose voice are you listening to?
That sounds great in theory, you may think. Maybe you’re already meditating. But you still tell yourself what a lost cause you are every time depression knocks on the door, or you have one too many glasses of wine or one too many cookies.
If, despite your best efforts, you cannot stop identifying with the voice in your head — here’s one thought I’d like to leave you with.
Everyone has intrusive thoughts (I think?), but the share of intrusive thoughts correlates to the amount of developmental trauma you endured. Trauma that’s defined by the impact of events, not by their severity.
A harsh inner critic is the product of your upbringing. Growing up with a caretaker who curses you out, or curses themselves out, who shames you, or who shames themselves, who blames you, or who blames themselves, or who doesn’t meet any of your core developmental needs, will ingrain these beliefs in you so much so that you may grow up to view them as your own.
Next time you observe your mental chatter, ask yourself: Is this your voice? Or is it perhaps inherited? You may find that the answer to this question makes the task at hand, the cultivation of equanimity and compassion, a lot easier. This awareness may just be the needle that helps you thread the patches of new beliefs onto the fabric of your consciousness.
How have you dealt with mental chatter? What’s helped, what hasn’t? What is the biggest challenge for you?
Further resources
〰️ This simple read is a classic to help you understand the nature of your mind
〰️ A deep dive into meditation for psychedelic integration
〰️ This is a great, simple, beginner-friendly meditation (15 min guided Vipassana)
〰️ What Iboga taught me about listening to the mind versus the heart
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is co-hosting a free virtual psychedelics summit starting May 20〰️ Exciting news on the policy front: The DEA granted a non-Christian Ayahuasca church the exemption to service medicine legally under the Religious Freedom Act (it has only granted three exemptions so far, and this is the first new one in years, which sets an important precedent for other churches)
“Attention is the beginning of devotion.” — Mary Oliver
I agree that meditation and the cultivation of self-compassion are essential in healing. But, because of childhood trauma, I could never stay with my breath and other sensations for more than a few seconds. Though I tried for years, I never got any better at it. Even that was useful, but so frustrating, and I would give up on it for long stretches of time.
Then I did some journeys with mushrooms and MDMA. Afterwards, I figured out that if I listened to a 30 to 60 minute section of the playlist I’d used, lying down with headphones as I had during the journey, I could have a “mini-journey.” To my surprise, the effectiveness continued, and I have been doing these sessions nearly every day for nearly five years. I “meditate” on my feelings, my body, and also on the music. It is usually very difficult, but the music supports me, and I am able to stay with my feelings much better than I could sitting on a cushion—perhaps the bed is supporting me as well. This practice has been the best practice I’ve ever found, and I write about it here, believing it might work for others.
I’m not sure if it is necessary to do the journeys first. I’ve been reading the Substack “Beddhism” which describes and recommends a similar practice, but without psychedelics or music. Just feel your feelings, he writes, while lying down.
I would be very upset if you left Substack and deleted your account. I look forward to your posts and you are among 4 people that I truly follow. You are the reason I am back in therapy with a therapist who uses IFS. I would get a paid subscription with you except I will be losing my job soon. Thank you and I love your writings!