Healing your inner child through conscious relationships

How your childhood experience influences adult attachment, what happens when you fear love, and how you can heal your relationship patterns

The journey inward is one that needs to be initiated by yourself, for yourself.

Yet, if you walk the path alone, you’ll only get so far.

That’s because much of the healing work concerns relational wounds. Relational wounds, as you might have guessed, can only be fully healed in relationship.

For the majority of my 20s, I was convinced that I had to heal everything before entering into another relationship. A toxic first love had left my heart shattered. I pieced it back together and built a wall around it. A wall that would take me years to tear back down.

Eventually, there came a point when I realized I’d gone as far as I could on my own.

People, like psychedelics, are excellent mirrors. So, when approached consciously, intimate relationships can be the most profound catalyst for growth.

Today, we’ll dive into a field of psychology called attachment theory to explore how your inner child shows up in adult relationships. We’ll also look at the path of healing your relationship patterns. Whether you’re new to attachment theory or deeply familiar, this is a simple but powerful framework that I believe every single adult can benefit from exploring.

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We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

No one’s to blame for the pain my past relationship caused, certainly not my ex. That relationship was part of a natural order that sadly many people go through. A common tale. You subconsciously seek out relationships that perpetuate the circumstances of your original wounding and reinforce your patterns.

There are a few different reasons you attract, choose, and stay in relationships that aren’t good for you:

• The wounded parts of you expect pain, neglect, or abandonment and are constantly looking for evidence that their story is true.

• You seek what is familiar because what is familiar provides the illusion of safety since you know how to deal with it, whether or not it is actually safe.

• The choice of partner can be an inherent attempt to heal core wounds. For example, a deeply insecure person strives for approval from a highly selective narcissist to heal their lack of self-esteem.

If this is happening to you, it’s a good idea to take some time on your own and make space to investigate what’s driving your patterns. Yet again, cultivating self-love independently ultimately has a ceiling.

“Other people are not here to love us in the exact way we think they should, they are here to set up a healing ceremony at which we learn how to love ourselves.” — Brianna Wiest

For someone who lacks experiences of safe, healthy love, whether in childhood or previous intimate relationships, it can become habitual to associate love with pain. When I opened up to my first connection after a long, intentional absence from relating romantically, my whole system felt triggered. I couldn’t make sense of it, because from the outside, everything seemed safe. I only gained clarity when, during a long and grueling ayahuasca ceremony, I purged my fear of being loved. A fear that had nothing to do with the person I was relating to and everything to do with how I related in the past, both in childhood and later on.

“To fear love is to fear two things — the damage someone has the potential to create within you, or the damage someone might find within you.” — Bianca Sparacino

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Attachment Theory: A Map for Relational Patterns

A framework that’s been incredibly helpful for me in untangling how my past impacts the present has been attachment theory.

Attachment theory is a well-established field of research that traces how you relate as an adult back to your early childhood experience. In its essence, it’s inner child work.

I’d done plenty of inner child work in my relationship to myself, largely with the help of plant medicine, but it was sobering to realize that I hadn’t done much work in relationship to someone else. While sacred plants had been a profound mirror, it was time to switch it up for an even clearer one.

At the most basic level, there are two types of attachment: secure and insecure attachment.

Securely attached adults grew up with the experience that caretakers are able and willing to meet their needs. When they reached out for soothing and care, they received it. They hence adopted the world view that relationships are a safe place and that their needs matter.

Insecurely attached adults grew up in environments in which caretakers were unable to meet all of the child’s needs. While there might have been an abundance of food, shelter, and sometimes even nurturing, something was missing. When the child reached out for care and support, caretakers may have been unavailable, dismissive, neglectful, or even unsafe. Insecure attachment is also often the result of emotionally immature caretakers. As a result, these children adopt the belief system that their needs cannot or will not be met in relationships, which informs how they relate in adulthood.

Within insecure attachment, there are three subtypes:

1. Anxious attachment (also called ambivalent attachment)

2. Avoidant attachment (also called dismissive attachment)

3. Disorganized attachment (also called fearful-avoidant attachment)

It’s important to note that this is not a dogmatic framework. It’s intended to be illuminating and helpful, not constraining. Categories are not separated by hard lines and nothing’s set in stone. For example, you may generally have a secure attachment style, with triggers occasionally shifting you into insecure attachment.

Let’s dive into the three insecure attachment styles. As you read through, you’ll likely be able to tell rather quickly where you fall on the spectrum.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment is caused by ambivalent caregivers. Children in this case grew up in an inconsistent environment and were exposed to both warmth and withdrawal from caregivers. There may also have been experiences of abandonment, trauma, or loss. The anxiously attached person adjusted to this by developing coping mechanisms that constantly reach outward for validation.

Common signs of anxious attachment in adults:

• The need for constant validation (may be described as “needy” or “clingy”)

• Low self-worth

• Strong fear of abandonment (even without real cause for concern)

• Belief that “finding the one” (aka a secure partner) will fix all problems

• Urge to rush the dating phase and seek commitment quickly (and sometimes pre-maturely) because the uncertainty is too triggering

• Acting out when feeling triggered (e.g., making the partner jealous)

Avoidant attachment

Contrary to anxious attachment, avoidants react to the original neglect or rejection by deactivating their attachment system. They learned to reach inward, mainly through withdrawing and isolating. This may be due to a lack of warmth or a disconnected caretaker that struggled to express their own emotions. It may be that the child’s emotional reality was dismissed, downplayed, or that the expression of emotions even lead to negative reactions from caretakers. Avoidants learned that emotional expression wasn’t safe, welcomed, or validated, so they suppress it in adulthood. On the flip side, this can also happen when a caretaker cannot regulate their own emotions and, as a result, overwhelms the child, which then adopts the subconscious belief that there is no space for their own emotions. Avoidants develop a survivor mentality and become conditioned to prioritize self-preservation at the cost of connection.

Common signs of avoidant attachment in adults:

• Struggle to express emotions and affection

• Hyper-independent and self-reliant

• Hard time trusting others, struggle to ask for and receive support

• Strong fear of rejection

• Withdrawn during conflict and/or avoidant of confrontation

• May ghost, take long to communicate or show a lack of interest in closeness

• May be more comfortable with physical than emotional intimacy

Disorganized attachment

The final type is a combination of the other two insecure types, with additional fear layered in. It’s the most complex attachment style. Individuals with disorganized attachment do not have an organized system for attachment. They’re all over the map and cycle between anxious and avoidant behaviors. They simultaneously deeply crave and fear intimacy. This attachment style develops when the caretaker, meant to be a source of safety, also became a source of fear. This is usually the result of persistent physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. It can also develop when the child witnesses abuse from their caretaker, even if not directed at them, but, for example, at their spouse.

Common signs of disorganized attachment in adults:

• Chaotic, unpredictable, or intense relationship patterns and behaviors

• Extreme fear of rejection

• Difficulty connecting to and trusting others

• Extreme need for closeness, coupled with the tendency to avoid closeness and push others away

• Deep-rooted shame, low self-esteem, and a harsh inner critic

• Freeze response, in which one is paralyzed by contrasting impulses (simultaneously wanting to move toward and away from the other person)

• Depression, anxiety, addictions, and/or personality disorders

The Path To Healing Your Relationship Patterns

Alright, so you may have recognized some of your behaviors above.

The good news is — you’re not tied to any of it for the rest of your life. You can develop secure attachment. One key predictor of secure attachment is awareness and the ability to make sense of your childhood experience. So, even if you grew up insecurely attached, intentional work can reverse it and turn you into a securely attached partner (and, eventually, parent). It will, however, require effort.

If you want to develop secure attachment, the best place to start is to look towards those that have mastered it.

Here are some traits present in adults with secure attachment:

• Ability to maintain healthy boundaries

• Capacity for controlled conflict resolution

• Mutual trust and support

• Healthy self-esteem

• Open communication and ability to share feelings with partners and friends

• Seeking out social support in times of need

So, now that you know where you’re headed, how do you get there?

5 Steps To Move From Insecure To Secure Attachment

1. Awareness. The first step is to become aware of your behaviors and what triggers them. Triggers are never about what happens in the moment but about the earlier experiences stored in your nervous system that they (re)activate. Once you’ve become aware of what situations reactivate you disproportionately, you can figure out what they’re activating and why by identifying the original wound.

2. Nervous system regulation. When this reactivation happens, it’s important that you learn how to self-regulate. Somatic practices are paramount. With anxious attachment, you’ll need to develop the ability to self-soothe. For avoidants, allowing closeness when feeling the urge to pull away is a necessary learning curve to signal your nervous system that it’s safe to connect. The ultimate goal is to move from defensive responses to welcoming ones, which can only happen if you’re nervous system is somewhat regulated.

3. Sacred pauses. Sometimes, nervous system regulation can only happen when you give yourself some time. This may look like asking for a time-out before returning to a triggering situation. Whatever is needed to make space for you to step back and become a compassionate witness to what’s happening in your nervous system (and mind) will help you respond proactively rather than reactively.

4. Communication. Open communication is an absolute must. Begin sharing what triggers you and how it makes you feel. If you don’t know how you’re feeling in the moment (which is common in avoidant and disorganized attachment), begin by simply labeling and sharing the fact that you’re feeling disorganized or feeling the urge to pull away. As Sarah Blondin beautifully describes, “to open is to spread wide that which wants to hide, to pull apart tissues grown tight and listless, to reenter your heart. To open is to face the shadow that asks to be restored to light. Bring everything that is hurting you into the light of loving awareness—for to see is to heal.”

5. Express your needs. The final step is to learn to express your needs. The inability to identify and express needs clearly is something all insecure attachment styles share but it’s absolutely crucial for a healthy, long-term relationship. It will not feel natural in the beginning. You may not be able to easily identify your needs, it may take time and practice. How well your partner is able to attune to you greatly depends on this skill, so take it seriously.

To ensure ongoing dialogue, make sure you have regular check-ins and ask each other: What fears are coming up for you? What do you desire?

This is the work.

Every time you bring awareness to a situation and consciously decide to divert from your subconscious programming, you make space for new evidence. The more evidence you collect that relationships are safe, that your emotions are valid, and that your needs matter and can be met — the more secure you’ll become.

Now, you may ask yourself: how do you know if the person you’re with can provide the container for healing your attachment?

Here are some things to look out for:

• Willingness: Are they willing to support you in your work and do their own? How open are they to the idea of growing together?

• Safety: Are they able to make you feel safe when you feel triggered or activated? How does your nervous system generally feel in their presence?

• Communication: Do they have the motivation and capacity for open communication? Are they able to express and receive vulnerability?

From all I’ve read, experts reiterate that it is very possible for two insecurely attached people to heal together if the circumstances are right.

Finally, a quick reminder (for both you and me, quite frankly) — healing doesn’t mean you arrive at a new version of yourself. It means you show up with humility. You show up with your wounded but open heart, ready to learn and do the work, ready to be uncomfortable. It may be the most challenging work you’ll ever do, but as a dear friend of mine once said, “going all-in for love can yield rewards that the cautious don’t get”.

“True love is a different story. When it happens, individuals usually feel in touch with each other’s core identity. Embarking on such a relationship is frightening precisely because we feel there is no place to hide. We are known.”

— Bell Hooks

Dig Deeper

The classic bestseller and great entry point to this work is the book Attached.

The Power of Attachment and Becoming the One are two other books I recommend. The latter is written by Sheleana Aiyana, who runs the online community Rising Women which explores healing through conscious relationships. Sheleana also offers courses, but I got more out of her book than the course I took with her.